Pray Day #2

Dear God.

I am present again tonight.

I would like to tell You something about myself, which I believe that You have already known before I said it myself.

For the last few months, I have lived as two kinds of heart being, the other word of human being.
Two hearts as I’m being good for a second and right after that, being an evil.

For the last few months, I have lived as unstable person in heart.
The peak moment of unstability is always, always and always when I recall the memories of Aries man.

Yes, the man who used to make me smile and give me butterflies in my diaphragm. How ironic, isn’t it?

Whenever the waves of memory returns, the two hearted version of me is there.

One second, I will be as good as an angel that I will let him go and pray for his happiness even though it will be neither from me nor with me.
I also will give myself a chance to forgive and forget him completely.

In the next exact second, I will be the most selfish evil in the world that I will kick him in the face when I finally meet him.
In that second, I promise to myself that I will never forgive him until he finally ask for apology directly to me.
I will never let him go until the day I finally know that he will let me go.

Just in one second, I will feel sorry and also guilty to myself for being good.

Just in one second, I will be satisfied and also thankful to myself for being bad.

Dear God. I know this isn’t right, but please, let me stand in one best side You have picked for me.

This unstable self will no longer be existed since my feet will not be able to stand strong between the two small ships in the middle of enormous waves and storms.

Dear God. I really need You to put my feet only on one stable ship of Yours.

AMEN.

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