First letter to my future man

To my future man.

Hey baby. I think i have found you. I think it’s you who will be the man of my future. I just want to assure you that he is you. I know until today you’re still unsure that I’m sure about this.

I have found you. You, who have the exact name. You, who have the exact figure. You, who have the real face and smile. I have found you. The man who will hold me until the day I die. The man who will hold my hand until my very last breath.

I know it’s still too early to say this. But I just want to convince you that I have put my faith in you since a very long time ago. I know that every single day you are still making efforts to convince me. But you just have no idea how easily it takes to convince me about you and I. The idea of us being together. For the rest of our lives.

It’s only a month since our first talk. But I finally took the gut out of myself for saying this to you. I pull out my nerve just to tell you that I want to live the rest of my life with you. Only you alone. I can never imagine to have someone else other than you. Other than your face. Other than your smile. Other than your warm embrace and kiss.

You once asked me who I really am. You wanted to know me deeper than ever. In this post, I will share you every things I know about myself.

Mungkin,
Saya bukan wanita yang selalu bisa membuat kamu tersenyum.
Saya juga bukan wanita yang selalu bisa membuat kamu tertawa lepas.
Saya hanya seorang wanita biasa, yang selalu berusaha supaya kamu melihat bahwa ada seseorang yang selalu memuja dan menghargai keberadaan kamu di atas bumi.
Saya hanya seorang wanita biasa, yang selalu berusaha menerima semua kekesalanmu.
kekecewaanmu.
kelemahanmu.
Saya hanya wanita yang biasa saja.
Wanita yang terbiasa kesal terhadap segala sesuatu.
Wanita yang terbiasa bosan terhadap segala sesuatu.
Wanita yang terbiasa kaku terhadap segala sesuatu.
Wanita yang sungguh biasa saja.

Saya juga memiliki banyak kekurangan.
Saya terlalu sering menyendiri di ruang gelap lalu tiba-tiba menangis.
Saya terlalu sering menyalahkan diri sendiri karena tingkah laku yang sepele.
Saya terlalu sering menerima kesalahan orang lain dan memaafkannya.
Saya terlalu sering dibodohi karena terlalu polos.
Saya terlalu sering marah pada keadaan yang saya buat sendiri.

Keburukan saya yang lain yang mungkin kamu sudah hapal.
Saya wanita yang galak, judes, pemarah, tidak sensitif, mudah tersinggung, temperamental dan tidak sabaran.
Saya wanita yang suka menyindir, bermulut pedas, sering protes, banyak komentar dan susah diajak kompromi.
Saya wanita yang kaku, introvert, susah serius, terlalu banyak bercanda dan penyimpan kenangan buruk.
Ya benar, saya wanita yang lebih banyak kurangnya dibandingkan lebihnya.

Saya hanya punya modal sedikit sekali untuk bisa bersama kamu.
Modal saya hanyalah cinta, kepercayaan dan ketulusan. Ya, saya paling menjunjung ketulusan.
Oh satu lagi. saya sedang belajar ilmu ikhlas. Ilmu yang seumur hidup akan saya pelajari sampai saya kembali ke Pencipta. Karena ilmu ini tidak pernah saya dapatkan dari jenjang sekolah tertinggi sekalipun, jadi harus saya pelajari sampai akhir hayat saya.

Mungkin banyak pertanyaan yang muncul di kepala kamu, lelakiku.
Tapi saya selalu siap sedia untuk mendengarkan semua pertanyaan dan komentar darimu baik itu yang membangun atau yang mengkritisi.

Satu hal lagi, yang paling terakhir dari tulisan ini.
Saya tidak bisa berjanji untuk menjadi wanita yang sempurna yang berdiri di sisimu.
Saya hanya bisa berusaha dan membuktikannya secara langsung, setiap hari, supaya kamu akhirnya yakin atas segala kesungguhan saya. Untuk selalu bersama kamu.

I know sometimes I don’t deserve the word I LOVE YOU from your lips.
But please baby, let me prove myself that I’m able to show you how much the word I LOVE YOU means from my own lips.
And if some other day, I suddenly stop saying it to you, just remember that my ACTION in AFFECTION speaks LOUDER than WORDS.

I love you, my future man. I always do.
And let me remind you this. That my prayer for us being together always flows out from my heart to the heaven above. So God knows how much I hope to be with you until the end of time.

Pray Day #14

Dear God
I am here again tonight.
That kind of night when I should have worked on my jobs instead of bubbling here.
That kind of night when I should have done something productive but writing some unimportant words here.
That kind of night when I should have found Your existence as the very first thing for me.

And I failed them. Again.

Dear God.
I am here tonight to assure myself about one thing.
I need Your assurance too as always.
I know it’s already too late.
But it will be much better than never been done.

And I need You for real, this time.

The one thing is : I will let go this feeling.
I will let go every memories in it.
I will let go every sadness.
I will let go every happiness.
I will let go every single thing about it.

I will let them go and put them into Your hand.

All I need to do is coming back to You.
I need to be happy (again) for myself.
I need to be proud of myself (again).
I need to find You for myself (again).
I need to be with You all by myself.

And I want to be with You (again).

I know this will take time like once I did before.
But I believe time will give another healing medicine.
Just like how it has done to me for a few years.
I will (again) be cured.
I will (again) be cleansed.

And I will (again) be recovered.

I know I made this decision only one-sided.
I just don’t know how to make it to be two-sided.
Since I have no idea where the other important person is right now.
I just need to open my eyes for the truth.
And the truth is all Yours.

Maybe I sound so desperate.
Maybe I will be in everyday.
But for now, I want to be happy for myself.
I hate for being sad and gloomy all the time.
I feel like I have been absorbed by Real Dementor.

So for now, I choose to be happy (again).
Just because I love myself so much more than this gloomy world.

Dear God. Please don’t let me sit alone in this decision.

Pray Day #13

Dear God.

Good Morning. It’s 4.40 a.m on Saturday.
The most rare time to write to You.
You know why I am staying up at this time.

I’m awake this morning to do some things.
I’m awake to go somewhere by myself.
But by Your Grace only to visit (again) someone’s place.
Yes. His apartment.

I know it’s not quite a good idea.
But I don’t think I can have another time to do this.
I know maybe You’ll never agree with me.
I know maybe You’ll set something rare and extraordinary this time.

But I’ll never know till I try it myself.

Dear God.
Please bless me this time.
Just like any other time that You’ve done to me.

Again I ask You.
Always I do ask You.
Please be Your works that will be done unto me.
Only Your works.

Dear God. I would never be able to do anything on my own.
Please be my Guide in everything I do in everyday.

Pray Day #12

Dear God. I’m getting pointless.

I know I shouldn’t be like this.
This kind of thing drags me to a dead end.
And I don’t want to jump into the hole.

Dear God. I wish I know what I should or shouldn’t do.
I wish I know what I have or don’t have to do.
I feel so inappropriate.

I wish I know what Jesus would do if He were me.
I wish I know what He would say if He were me.
I wish I know …

Sometimes I hate to be impulsive.
Sometimes I feel good to be one.
I just wish I know that moment when I’m impulsive is the one time Jesus would do the same.

Dear God. I’m so getting pointless.
The more I pray, the more I get anxious.
The more I talk to You, the more I get nauseous.
I guess I still need to learn more sincerity.

The science of sincerity.
The power to let go your own feeling.
The righteousness of being calm.
The Jesus behaviour.

Dear God. In the end, I’m still a normal human being.
Lack of patience.
More selfishness.
And too much of plead.
I still need Your guidance dear Holy Spirit.

Dear God. This time, I won’t follow my own eagerness.
This time, let me hear Your plead.
This time, I won’t let the flesh win over the spirit.
Just please send me Your Guidance.

If You ask me to stay calm, I will follow.
If You ask me to keep waiting, I will do.
If You ask me to leave the path, I will go.

Dear God. Please let me hear what You wish upon me, once again.

Pray Day #11

Dear God.

Today is Your Risen Day. Today is Passover Day.
I hate to remember about the past but I can’t help not to.
I remember that I always have two peak moments in my life that connected to Your special day.
One is Christmas; Your Born day.
Another is Passover; Your Risen day.

Some other years, I pass those days with heartbreak or disappointment or even worse, tears.
Some others, I fill them with smiles and happiness.
And the other years, I pass them with emptiness.

This year, I already have passed those two important days.
And I got mixed feelings after those days.

Today is Passover day.
I was supposed to be full with gratitude since You had been my real Superhero in this world.
I was supposed to be (at least) happy for Your risen.

Maybe I’m just having some wishful thinking for today.
Maybe I shouldn’t have had it.
Not even a little.

I should’ve thank You for giving so much to me.
Even You’ve given Your life.
While me, the one who only think about myself, was hoping for things other than You.
How could I be such a pain in the ass?

Dear God. I apologize to You.
I’m such a moron.
I didn’t pay attention about the Star of the Show today.
I was only thinking about myself.

You were there, waiting for me to turn around.
You were there, watching at my back all the time.
You were there, dear Good God.

And the worst thing is I didn’t even realize that You’ve been there all along.

I apologize, dearest God.
I know I’ve been doing this over and over to You.
Yet I keep repeating my mistakes.
I apologize from the deepest part of my heart.

I know the only thing I can do is crying.
So today, on Your special day, I get another peak moment for my life.
Today, just like some other years, I pass the day with tears.
Tears of regrets and disappointment to myself.
Maybe You ask me to cry more these days since I shouldn’t keep them inside anymore.

Maybe You ask me to pour it out more often.
Maybe …

Dear God. I’ve talked too much.
Now please let me hear Your gentle voice.

Pray Day #10

Happy Good Friday, dear God.

It’s Your Death Day that we remember.
The day that You prove us that LOVE does exist.
The truest love from You.

It’s the kind of day when I want to spend whole day at church with all the family.
It’s the kind of day when I’m thankful for the kindness of Your act upon me.
And also it’s the kind of day when we, human, want to share the sadness and gratefulness with the people we love.

On the other side, I found my brain got stucked with one name of person.
THAT MAN.
O dear God, I wish he were not all alone by himself somewhere.
I wish he were not stucked in his apartment with noone but loneliness.
I wish he would be able to go to church to meet You (finally).
Dear God. I hope he will always be fine, since You are the only company for him.

I pray a lot for him today dear Good Lord.
I know maybe I’m being too much.
I hope all of my prediction were wrong.

Maybe he’s somewhere with a lot of friends surrounded.
Maybe he’s spending good times with them.
Maybe he’s also able to find some cheerful day.

I hope those are what truly happens to him.

Dear God. I always wish for his happiness anywhere he is.
Maybe I won’t be able to be there with him.
Maybe I will never be …
But I don’t care.
As long as he feels good in life, I will feel the same way.

Dear God. Please accompany him wherever he is right now. Just like the way You do to me.

Pray Day #9

Dear God. While typing this post, I’m still very sleepy and tired. Instead of the fact that it’s morning time already.

I have no idea what to say here.
But this morning, I searched for the updated news about him.
And I knew, that he has reached home.

I thank You for that dear Good God.
I know I’ll be the last person to know.
But that’s alright.
I really get used to this kind of situation.
I also know that this is not a good thing for me.
But then, I have noother choice.

After all, I thank You for making him home.
Whether he’s finally safe or not yet safe.
But I know You will keep him safe all the way.

After all, I thank You for making him home.
Whether he will tell me or not.
Whether he will remember me or not.
I don’t really care for that.
As long as You are with him.

All I know, life is about a good timing.
Your good timing.
The one who holds the ticking clock
And good moments.
The one who keeps the bad from the good
And save the good from the bad.

Thank you dear Good Lord.
Thank you.

Dear God. Always I ask You this.
Not my will, but Yours that will be done in my life.

Pray Day #8

Dear God. I’m so sleepy and tired.
Yet I’m here to write something to You.

It’s already Wednesday at midnight.
And I haven’t got any chance to know his status quo.
I happened to know that the day was delayed.
I could handle it since I’ve had a lot of experiences for that kind of thing.

It’s already Wednesday at midnight.
And I’m still uninformed about anything.
Maybe this one is what You said about the real patience.
I also have had some days like this back then in the past.

So again. I can handle this one quite well.

But I should apologize one thing to You dear Good God.
I checked my phone too often today.
I know it was not a very good thing to do.
I’m still a human and I couldn’t help it for being a normal one.

So yes, I’m sorry for doing that.
I was a little bit anxious and curious.
And I was sorry for being that way.

Dear God. It’s already Wednesday.
Just like usual, I’ll leave the day unto Your merciful hand.

Dear God. Please let him know that I always wish for Your blessing to be around him all the time.

Pray Day #7

Dear God. Good morning.

It’s Monday again. But this Monday is quite different.
You will make something different today for me.
And for him.
The man I’ve been praying for.

I never post something in my blog in the morning.
So this morning is also quite an exception.
You will change some state between me.
And him.
The man I’ve been missing a lot.

Dear Good God.
I have tried to do my part obediently for the very last time.
It’s now Your Grace that will do the rest.
I won’t doubt it.
I either won’t suspect it.
I will wait until You give the right moment.

The very right moment, when he finally shows his face to me.
The very right moment, when he finally puts his arms around me.
The very right moment, when he finally holds me in his arms.
Those very right moments, when he finally looks me in the eyes.
And says “I’m home, honey. I’m home …”

That moment, I will know that You have set everything in Your time, dear Good God.
I will see the most absolute side of You in my life.
I will experience the most righteousness time of You.
And I will truly believe that You are my powerful God.

Well actually, I have seen Your wonderful works in some people.
But in the future, I believe I will experience it myself.
I will.

Dear God. Please make everything just as how You want it to be.
Not my will, but Yours be done O Lord.

Pray Day #6

Dear God. I’m present tonight.

I had a thought this afternoon while I was walking home.
I had a thought that maybe some people should experience the darkest time once in their lifetime.
Maybe unconsciously, I did have one along the recent 30 years.

For one minute, I tried to analyze about “his” darkest time too.
I should be honest my dear God.
Recently, I rarely think about him for many times a day.
So this afternoon, while I was walking alone on going home, he crossed my mind and made me analyze this stuff.

Maybe this moment is his darkest time for life.
Maybe this state is his lowest time for life.
Maybe this case is the biggest scene for his life.

For the climax, maybe this is what he should experience for once in the lifetime.
The darkest moment.
The scariest memory.
The most tiring state.
And the most difficult one.

I have no idea about what he did in the past that You make him get through this kind of event.
But whatever it is, it might be as dark as the time he had suffered for a couple recent months.

Dear Good God. I have no power to help him or to make him a bit happier.
I have no power to make him feel a bit free.
I have no power at all as a human or lover.

The only power I know he can have is from You.
The one and only power he should take is from You.
I have been able to get through the hard times only by being and staying with You.
I hope he also ask for the same thing from You.
I hope he also ask You to always stay.
I hope he also ask You to always give the strength.
I hope he also count on You only.

Dear Good God. Right now, another now, another asking.
I pray for he will never try to defy You.
I know that You will never leave him.
But I also know that he might wanting to leave Your side.

So please …
Dear God. Please make him stay and please make him not to let Your hand go.